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In this episode, Melissa Wei-Tsing Inouye chats with Meredith Nelson about her recent book,  Crossings: A Bald Asian American Latter-day Saint Woman Scholar’s Ventures Through Life, Death, Cancer, and Motherhood (Not Necessarily In That Order) , published as part of the BYU Maxwell Institute’s Living Faith series. Her book is a compilation of contemplative and scholarly essays on faith and the Church organization, of family newsletters, song lyrics, and playful doodles, and of letters to her still-young children. All of this blends together to form a picture of one bright and mighty Latter-day Saint life, refined to its current state by her discipline, by discipleship, and by a faith community that has challenged her, brought her casseroles, and taught her the holiness of humans. Melissa is currently on leave from the University of Auckland and has returned to the United States with her husband and four children, as she continues her fight with cancer. She is now working at the Church History Department, documenting the global history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

My journey to gaining a testimony of the Book of Mormon has been a roller coaster of fear, stubbornness, backbreaking trials, and ultimate peace and direction, all at a young age. I grew up in the church, yet from an early age my struggle with mental illness and subsequent isolation, loneliness, and fear led me to having a hard time knowing what was true and believing my life had value. I strayed from praying and grew more and more skeptical. In middle school, I went from being angry at God for giving me such hard trials to not praying to Him anymore. I stopped reading my scriptures. I started reading anti-Book of Mormon literature. I turned my back on God and convinced myself it was Him who had turned his back on me. During one girls camp as a teenager, my fellow campers and I were asked to pray to gain our own testimonies of the Book of Mormon. I had spent the week poring over the scriptures, marking every reference to Christ, but my heart wasn’t in it. I was so scared that it would turn out to be true and that I would have to change my ways, my desires, my direction. I was terrified that I was messing everything up. I prayed, and I remember crying my heart out. “I’m trying, I’m praying,” I said, “But I don’t feel a thing.” The truth was that my heart was too hard. I didn’t want to feel the Spirit. I didn’t want the Book of Mormon to be true. Finally, during my junior year of high school, harder and harder trials built up until I felt like I was completely broken. I painted myself into a corner–I was struggling with mental illness, with church, with politics. I was in the wrong social groups, making the wrong choices, and believing the wrong things. I felt completely lost and alone. When I felt I had nowhere else to turn, I began praying again. I told Heavenly Father how scared I was. It wasn’t immediate, but I began to feel hopeful again. I began to feel safe. My heart was finally starting to soften. A few weeks later in my seminary class, my teacher encouraged us all to read the end of the Book of Mormon and go to a private place in the church to ask God if it was true. My classmates split up into the chapel, other classrooms, and hallways. I went outside the church, knelt in the grass, and asked fervently if it was true. I was overcome with peace. It was a complete contrast from when I had asked from a place of fear. I wanted to know the truth, and I felt the Spirit testify to me that because of the truth of the Book of Mormon, I could change and make more out of my life. Because of this book, I could come to know my Savior better, believe in Him, be saved by Him, and love my life. I testify that it is okay if your testimony takes time. It is okay if it is scary, if it doesn’t come all at once. It is okay if you do not believe immediately. But you have to keep trying. Keep hoping. Keep persevering. This Book of Mormon, and this Gospel, are so worth it.

Forty-one years ago I was in my final year at the University of Otago in New Zealand when my evening was interrupted by two missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—the first two members of the church I had ever met. I listened to them as they bore witness of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon. They then left me with a copy of the book with specific passages marked out for me to read, promising to return in two days’ time to take me to a “special discussion” at their chapel. For the next two days I did not go to my classes but lay on my roommate’s bed, reading this book. I could not put it down. On the appointed day of the “special discussion” my roommate’s mother saw me with the Book of Mormon in my hand and asked, “Are you serious about this Mormon business?” I replied, “Yes,” and at that moment this warmth, no heat, completely enveloped me from head to toe. I had never experienced anything like it, but it served to confirm my feelings of the past two days that this book was divinely inspired. It was true! That same evening, the two missionaries returned as agreed and took me to the beautiful Dunedin chapel that looked out over the city. There I was taught more about Joseph Smith and the First Vision and they shared with me the expectations for members of the Latter-day Saint faith. Immediately following this discussion, I was invited to be baptized that very evening. Because of the testimony that I had received of the Book of Mormon I did not hesitate and said, “Yes.” That night, in front of four young missionaries in a remarkably simple ceremony, I was baptized and then confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There were no photos taken but that night is etched in my mind. That evening I knew nothing about the church, its history, traditions, language or even all the expectations of a member but I had the foundation of my testimony of the Book of Mormon and of Joseph Smith as a prophet. I have never regretted my decision. I have since been a part of many congregations all over the world and I have enjoyed learning about my new-found faith. Threaded throughout all this time has been my ongoing testimony of and love for the Book of Mormon as I study it. It is one of my most cherished possessions.

“I open at the close.” I remember being 12 years old and reading that in a Harry Potter book. When I read it, it felt pretty profound to my 12-year-old brain but the funny thing is that through my teenage years and adult years the Spirit has used that phrase to communicate peace and love through some of the hardest experiences of my life. It’s been a reminder that when something ends, it can be made new again through Christ. The testimony I have of the Book of Mormon now came at a very, very high price. And it took time to get. I had spiritual experiences with the book before and I loved studying it at BYU, but somehow the challenges to faith that it would later cause me completely flew under my radar. You see, my testimony only really opened to me when my husband closed the door on our church and organized religion. For a couple of years before my husband’s exit, I believed my husband needed to be my spiritual partner. I come from divorced parents and I had thought that a spiritual partnership was what healthy, strong marriages should look like. But it didn’t happen for me. I was spiritually waning for about two years until one night the spirit woke me up. “Go to the kitchen.” I was so tired. I wanted to sleep because I had work the next morning. I stumbled into my kitchen to find my husband on his computer. He looked at me and said, “we need to talk.” Over the next month, he proceeded to spew all of this information he had spent months accumulating in an effort to both explain his exit from the church and the reasons why I should leave too. I should add that my husband is an incredible person. He was acting on the information he had and I know that his actions were out of concern for me. We are still married happily, years later. In the weeks and months that followed that night, I was in full faith crisis mode. Not just about the church, but Jesus, religion, my existence, and every decision I had ever made as a result of the church. One night I was feeling particularly tormented and I tried to pray. “Dear God, help. What is the next step?” I had been trying to devote time to listening to the Lord and recognizing the spirit and I distinctly felt that I needed to read the Book of Mormon. I put aside all of my inhibitions and said “okay.” I began the next evening. It was hard. My husband and I had talked about the perceived problems with the text; lack of female voices, the curse of the skin, anachronisms, etc. I felt so terribly overwhelmed reading each chapter but there was an inner voice that kept saying “You have to know.” And I did. I had spent so much time not knowing, if I was wrong I was willing to take that risk. It took me three months to read and I had to force myself to try for the first month but then the second month I felt like bucket after bucket of personal revelation was sloshing over me, reviving my spirit. I finished the book in the Spring and I cried as I finished the last verses. There were more than problems to this “problematic book.” So I read it again. And this time I filled up my study with commentaries and insights. I didn’t read just one book, I read three at the same time. I also read dozens of articles and listened to many podcasts. Suddenly, my questions started to be answered. In this second reading, I found messages about Heavenly Mother, my family, my mental health, political fanaticism, my covenants, healing from all kinds of abuse, Faith, and most importantly, Jesus Christ. One day I was sitting in the temple and I was reading the 30th chapter of 2 Nephi and the most personalized revelation I had received in years poured into my brain. The Savior knew who I was. He knew my name. He knew my husband. He knew our situation. And He loved and supported us. I couldn’t breathe because the feelings and thoughts came so clearly and so intensely. Reading Jacob 5 used to be a chore and now it was a poem about the Grace, Infinite Care, and Mercy of my Heavenly Parents and Redeemer. I had a similar experience reading 3rd Nephi 18 where the Savior repeatedly tells people to not cast out the unbelievers. Just as surely as he encouraged the Lamanites to refrain from writing those people off, he encouraged me to not cast out my husband for different beliefs. I should hold him tight and let the atonement do the rest. I realized there were no perfect families or prophets in this book and yet the Lord keeps using them, anyway. What a sweet feeling. I want to be clear, I still have questions about the Book of Mormon that are important to me. Some questions have been resolved only in theory. I do believe it is a historical record, I do believe the Lord commanded Joseph to bring it forth, and I do believe it to contain the word of God. But like all scripture, it is much more complex than that. Knowing what I know now, I can’t see the book as anything other than a love letter from Jesus Christ. A message of hope for the downtrodden (and it does have some incredible messages about hope). It is a message for covenant-keeping women like myself, living in an imperfect world and trying to follow the Fisher of men and women. He fished me from the depths of the sea and sorted me as His own. He opened the door when I closed it. He opened my heart when it was closed. He let in the light. I love the Book of Mormon because the Spirit clearly uses it to speak to me. The book was written by the God-touched, and now I am God-touched too. “Me abro al cierre” Recuerdo tener 12 años y leer eso en un libro de Harry Potter. Cuando lo leí, sentí bastante profundo en mi cerebro de 12 años, pero lo curioso es que, durante mi adolescencia y mi edad adulta, el Espíritu ha usado esa frase para comunicar paz y amor a través de algunas de las experiencias más difíciles de mi vida. Ha sido un recordatorio de que cuando algo termina, puede hacerse nuevo nuevamente a través de Cristo. El testimonio que tengo del Libro de Mormón ahora tuvo un precio muy, muy alto. Y tomó tiempo llegar. Tuve experiencias espirituales con el libro antes y me encantó estudiarlo en BYU, pero de alguna manera los desafíos a la fe que más tarde me causarían quedaron completamente fuera de mi radar. Pues, mi testimonio solo se me abrió cuando mi esposo cerró la puerta de nuestra iglesia y religión organizada. Durante un par de años antes de la salida de mi esposo, creí que mi esposo necesitaba ser mi compañero espiritual. Vengo de padres divorciados y pensé que una asociación espiritual era lo que deberían tener los matrimonios sanos y fuertes. Pero no sucedió para mí. Estuve decayendo espiritualmente durante unos dos años hasta que una noche el espíritu me despertó. “Ve a la cocina.” Estaba tan cansada. Quería dormir porque tenía trabajo a la mañana siguiente. Fui a la cocina para encontrar a mi esposo en su computadora. Me miró y dijo: “tenemos que hablar”. Durante el mes siguiente, procedió a arrojar toda esta información que había pasado meses acumulando en un esfuerzo por explicar tanto su salida de la iglesia como las razones por las que debería irme también. Debo agregar que mi esposo es una persona increíble. Estaba actuando según la información que tenía y sé que sus acciones me preocuparon. Todavía estamos casados felices, años después. En las semanas y meses que siguieron esa noche, estaba en modo de crisis de fe total. No solo sobre la iglesia, sino sobre Jesús, la religión, mi existencia y cada decisión que tomé como resultado de la iglesia. Una noche me sentía particularmente atormentado y traté de orar. “Dios, ayudame. ¿Cuál es el próximo paso?” Había estado tratando de dedicar tiempo a escuchar al Señor y reconocer el espíritu, y claramente sentí que necesitaba leer el Libro de Mormón. Puse a un lado todas mis inhibiciones y dije “está bien”. Empecé a la noche siguiente. Fue dificil. Mi esposo y yo habíamos hablado sobre los problemas percibidos con el texto; falta de voces femeninas, la maldición de la piel, anacronismos, etc. Me sentí terriblemente abrumado al leer cada capítulo, pero había una voz interna que decía “Tienes que saber”. Y lo hice. Había pasado tanto tiempo sin saberlo, si estaba equivocada estaba dispuesta a correr ese riesgo. Tardé tres meses en leer y tuve que obligarme a intentarlo durante el primer mes, pero luego, el segundo mes, me sentí como un cubo tras otro, el cubo de la revelación personal me envolvió, reviviendo mi espíritu. Terminé el libro en la primavera y lloré mientras terminaba los últimos versos. Había más que problemas en este “libro problemático”. Entonces lo leí de nuevo. Y esta vez llené mi estudio con comentarios e ideas. No leí solo un libro, leí tres al mismo tiempo. También leí docenas de artículos y escuché muchos podcasts. De repente, mis preguntas comenzaron a ser respondidas. En esta segunda lectura encontré mensajes sobre la Madre Celestial, mi familia, mi salud mental, como sanar del todos tipos de abuso, el fanatismo político, la fe y, lo más importante, Jesucristo. Un día estaba sentada en el templo y estaba leyendo el capítulo 30 de 2 Nefi y la revelación más personalizada que había recibido en años se vertió en mi cerebro. El Salvador sabía quién era yo. Él sabía mi nombre. El conocía a mi esposo. Él conocía nuestra situación. Y nos amó y nos apoyó. No podía respirar porque los sentimientos y pensamientos venían tan claros e intensos. Leer Jacob 5 solía ser una tarea y ahora era un poema sobre la Gracia, el Cuidado Infinito y la Misericordia de mis Padres Celestiales y Redentor. Tuve una experiencia similar leyendo 3 Nefi 18, donde el Salvador repetidamente le dice a la gente que no expulse a los incrédulos. Tan seguro como alentó a los lamanitas a abstenerse de descartar a esas personas, me animó a no echar a mi esposo por creencias diferentes. Debería abrazarlo con fuerza y dejar que la Expiación haga el resto. Me di cuenta de que no había familias perfectas o profetas en este libro y, sin embargo, el Señor sigue usándolos. Qué dulce sentimiento. Quiero ser clara, todavía tengo preguntas sobre el Libro de Mormón que son importantes para mí. Algunas preguntas se han resuelto solo en teoría. Creo que es un registro histórico, creo que el Señor le ordenó a José que lo presentara, y creo que contiene la Palabra de Dios. Pero como todas las escrituras, es mucho más complejo que eso. Sabiendo lo que sé ahora, no puedo ver el libro como algo más que una Carta de Amor de Jesucristo. Un mensaje de esperanza para los oprimidos (y tiene algunos mensajes increíbles sobre la esperanza). Es un mensaje para las mujeres del convenio como yo sobre cómo vivir en un mundo imperfecto e intentar seguir al Pescador de hombres y mujeres. Me sacó de las profundidades del mar y me clasificó como suyo. Abrió la puerta cuando la cerré. Abrió mi corazón cuando estaba cerrado. Dejó entrar la luz. Amo el Libro de Mormón porque el Espíritu lo usa claramente para hablarme. El libro fue escrito por los tocados por Dios, y ahora yo también estoy tocada por Dios.

The Gospel Doctrine lesson #12 ; scriptures Doctrine and Covenants 29:1–8 ; 33:3–7 ; 37 ; 38:24–41 ; 52:2–5, 42–43 ; 57:1–3 ; 110:11 ; Articles of Faith 1:10   Whenever I think about the Gathering of Israel I think about the Allegory of the Olive Tree from the Book of Mormon which so beautifully illustrates the scattering of the tribes of Israel and the eventual gathering and grafting in of the gentiles. But the parable in D&C 38 opened my eyes to a very different understanding of the gathering in these latter days: 26 For what man among you having twelve sons, and is no respecter of them, and they serve him obediently, and he saith unto the one: Be thou clothed in robes and sit thou here; and to the other: be thou clothed in rags and sit thou here-and looketh upon his sons and saith I am just? 27 Behold, this I have given unto you as a parable, and it is even as I am. I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine. While missionary work is an undeniably important aspect in the gathering of Israel, it is only the first half of the story. The rest of the story, as renowned story-teller Paul Harvey used to say, happens when the saints fulfill baptismal and temple covenants and become one in heart and mind (see Moses 7:18 ). How is this accomplished? I’ve lived in places where my ward felt like my family. Usually these were smaller wards, where members of the church were not as numerous as they are in other parts of the world. There was a sense of oneness. In my experience it is more difficult to achieve this feeling in wards where the membership is numerous and member activity is a given. Why is this and how does it affect the fulfillment of the gathering of God’s elect? I think if I had a definite answer to that I would be the hero of many a bishop in Zion! Elder D. Todd Christofferson in his October 2015 General Conference address “Why the Church” gave an interesting perspective. He points out that, during the early days of Adam and Abraham, the ordinances of salvation were “administered through a family-based priesthood order.” Then, beginning with Moses, the Lord created a broader, more inclusive structure to accommodate greater numbers. But as Elder Christofferson says, “We must remember that in the beginning, the Church was the family, and even today as separate institution, the family and the Church serve and strengthen one another. Neither supplants the other…” What is our role as women in the gathering and unifying of the saints? Sheri Dew said, “I believe that the moment we learn to unleash the full influence of converted, covenant-keeping women, the kingdom of God will change overnight.”1 Going back to the afore mentioned parable, what mother would give all of her time and energy to one child and neglect the others? What sister would give her affection to one niece or nephew and deny the others? When I was pregnant with my second child, I honestly thought for a moment that I might not be able to love another child as much as I loved the first. That changed of course as soon as I became a mother of two. Are our hearts so full of love that we cannot find room for more? I don’t think so. Are we so busy that we don’t have time for our extended ward family? Are we so satisfied with all that we have, that we forget how much we need even the weakest among us? Are we as grateful as the members in my parent’s Spanish speaking branch for every single member, established or new, who walks through those chapel doors? Are we humble enough to let others into our lives enough to see our weakness? Are we broken-hearted enough to ask for their help? I don’t know the answers to these questions, I don’t even know if these are the right questions to ask! What I do know is that I believe Sister Dew’s words, that the potential influence of covenant keeping women can revolutionize a Kingdom. I want to be apart of that revolution. I want to know the rest of the story. 1. Women and the Priesthood: What One Mormon Woman Believes (2013), 163

Gospel Doctrine lesson 13 I have often wondered what Mary and Martha would have written about the Savior, and about the new church whose foundation he laid, had they recorded their witness (or had it been preserved). They and other women play prominent roles in the New Testament, and the men who recorded the Savior’s life, death, and resurrection gave them place in the record. But the women’s own voices are lost to us. When Joseph Smith restored the Gospel of Christ in this dispensation, again there were many prominent women witnesses. And although most of our public historians and theologians have been men, this time our record is more complete: many of the women who witnessed the Restoration left us their accounts. This week’s Gospel Doctrine lesson focuses on Joseph Smith’s role in restoration, in revealing new doctrine, and in transmitting the word of the Lord to a new generation. Many women of his day testified of his divine calling. The following accounts of Joseph Smith are excerpted from the recently published book, The Witness of Women : Joseph’s Appearance, Character and Charisma Eliza R. Snow “Joseph Smith called at my father’s, and as he sat warming himself, I scrutinized his face as closely as I could without attracting his attention, and decided that his was an honest face.” Margaret Pierce Young “So animated with loving kindness, so mild and gentle, yet big and powerful and majestic was the Prophet, that tho me he seemed more than a man; I thought, almost, that he was an Angel.” Mercy Fielding Thompson “I saw him by the bedside of Emma, his wife, in sickness, exhibiting all the solicitude and sympathy possible for the tenderest of hearts and the most affectionate of natures to feel.” Emmeline B. Wells “As we stepped ashore the crowd advanced, and I could see one person who towered away and above all the others around him; in fact I did not see distinctly any others. His majestic bearing, so entirely different from anyone I had ever seen was more than a surprise.” Bathsheba W. Smith “The Prophet was a handsome man,— splendid looking, a large man, tall and fair and his hair was light. He had a very nice complexion, his eyes were blue, and his hair a golden brown and very pretty.” Joseph as Friend Mary B. Noble “His society I prized, his conversation was meat and drink to me.” Mercy Fielding Thompson “To him there were no strangers and by all he was known as the Prophet and a friend of humanity.” Jane Snyder Richards “As Seer and Revelator he was fearless and outspoken, yet humble, never considering that he was more than the mouth-piece, through whom God spoke. As the Leader of his people he was ever active and progressive but always modest and considerate of them and their trying circumstances. Socially he was an ideal of affability and always approachable to the humblest acquaintances.” Emmeline B. Wells “In the Prophet Joseph Smith, I believed I recognized the great spiritual power that brought joy and comfort to the Saints; and withal he had the strong comradeship that made such a bond of brotherliness with those who were his companions in civil and military life, and in which he reached men’s souls, and appealed most forcibly to their friendship and loyalty.” Mercy Fielding Thompson “There was not the slightest appearance of ostentation or conscious power on his part; he was free and sociable as though we had all been his brothers and sisters, or members of one family. He was as unassuming as a child.” Joseph’s Preaching Mary Alice Cannon Lambert “Many, many times between the time I reached Nauvoo and his martyrdom, I heard him preach. The love the saints had for his was inexpressible. They would willingly have laid down their lives for him. If he was to talk, every task would be laid aside that they might listen to his words. He was not an ordinary man. Saints and sinners alike felt and recognized a power and influence which he carried with him. It was impossible to meet him and not be impressed by the strength of his personality and influence.” Mary Isabella Horne “I heard him relate his first vision when the Father and Son appeared to him; also his receiving the Gold Plates from the Angel Moroni. . . .While he was relating the circumstances, the Prophet’s countenance lighted up, and so wonderful a power accompanied his words that everybody who heard them felt his influence and power, and none could doubt the truth of his narration. I know that he was true to his trust, and that the principles that he advanced are true.” Emmeline B. Wells “He possessed too the innate refinement that one finds in the born poet, or in the most highly cultivated intellectual and poetical nature; this extraordinary temperament and force combined is something of a miracle and can scarcely be accounted for except as a ‘heavenly mystery’ of the ‘higher sort.’” Mercy Fielding Thompson “I have been present at meetings of the Relief Society and heard him give directions and counsels to sisters, calculated to inspire them to efforts which would lead to celestial glory and exaltation, and oh! how my heart rejoiced!” Emmeline B. Wells “The power of God rested upon him to such a degree that on many occasions he seemed transfigured. His expression was mild and almost childlike in repose; and when addressing the people, who loved him it seemed to adoration, the glory of his countenance was beyond description. At other times the great power of his manner, more than of his voice (which was sublimely eloquent to me) seemed to shake the place on which we stood and penetrate the inmost soul of his hearers, and I am sure that then they would have laid down their lives to defend him.” Joseph as Prophet Bathsheba W. Smith “My testimony today is, I know Joseph Smith was and is a Prophet, as well as I know anything. I know that he was just what he professed to be. . . . I have seen very many good men, but they had not the gift and blessing Joseph had. He was truly a Prophet of God.” Eliza R. Snow “His lips ever flowed with instruction and kindness; and, although very forgiving, indulgent, and affectionate in his temperament, when his Godlike intuition suggested that the welfare of his brethren, or the interests of the kingdom of God demanded it; no fear of censure — no love of approbation could prevent his severe and cutting rebuke.” Mary Alice Cannon Lambert “I knew him the instant my eyes rested upon him, and at that moment I received my testimony that he was a Prophet of God, for I never had such a feeling for mortal man as thrilled my being when my eyes rested upon Joseph Smith.” Margaret Pierce Young “After he had gone from the room, my mother said, ‘I don’t see how anyone can doubt that he is a Prophet of God. They can see it in his countenance, which is so full of intelligence.’ ‘Yes, truly!’ my Father replied, ‘he is a Prophet of God.’” Mary Isabella Horne “When I first shook hands with him I was thrilled through and through, and I knew that he was a Prophet of God, and that testimony has never left me, but is still strong within me, and has been a monitor to me, that that I can now bear a faithful testimony to the divinity of the mission of the Great Man of God.” Joseph’s Spiritual Intellect Mercy Fielding Thompson “To him all things seemed simple and easy to be understood, and thus he could make them plain to others as no other man could that I ever heard.” Eliza R. Snow “Though his expansive mind grasped the great plan of salvation and solved the mystic problem of man’s destiny — though he had in his possession keys that unlocked the past and the future with its succession of eternities; in his devotions he was humble as a little child.” Women not only witnessed, but assisted Joseph in his prophetic calling. Among many other examples: Emma Smith acted as scribe during the translation of the Book of Mormon, Mary Whitmer made the yarn which bound the original Book of Mormon manuscript, Mary and Caroline Rollins risked their lives to save the Book of Commandments manuscript (which later became part of the Doctrine and Covenants) from a mob destroying a printing press in Jackson County, Missouri. What price would we pay to be able to read the personal accounts of Mary and Martha, word for word as they wrote them? The stories of our modern foremothers, and their personal testimonies, are here for us. Do we take them for granted? Do we read them? My testimony of the Prophet Joseph, and the divine power behind the Restoration, is stronger because these women spoke and wrote. I sense the sincerity and energy of their words, and feel a personal witness of their worth.   Related Mormon Women Project Interviews From Sea to Shining Sea , Missy Martz “The night before I planned on my unannounced departure, I was invited to dinner at Jerry’s house. He must have been inspired, because he started telling me the story of this boy named Joseph Smith. He had never mentioned anything related to the subject before. Right away, without a doubt in my soul, I knew what he was saying to be the truth. I did not know what was in that book called Mormon, but that didn’t matter to me. I could not shake the truth of it.” An Instrument of Homecoming , Joanna Brooks “The Joseph Smith story, the founding story of our religion, has always been extremely powerful to me. Here is a young boy struggling to find answers and not satisfied with any answers the adults in his life could give him, so he went out and sought through prayer a direct answer from God. I was not a young person who necessarily rejected things my leaders said. I felt very happy in the Church, but this example that when you face challenges in your life, you can pray—you can go to a quiet place in yourself and ask for help—was very, very centering for me, very grounding, and is one of the lessons that has really carried me through my adulthood. I love the fact that Joseph Smith was fourteen. And I was never told that he was some special example and that his experience did not apply to me. His experience applies to all of us! I took a lot of strength from that. And the doctrine embedded in that founding story is personal revelation, the practice of prayer. That’s one of the doctrines of the Church that has always been very dear to me.”

The Gospel Doctrine lesson #14 ;  Doctrine and Covenants 42:30–42 ; 51 ; 78 ; 82 ; 104:11–18 ; Our Heritage, page 26;  “The Law.” ; “A Bishop unto the Church.” Few things reveal the gap between godly living and our human failings as strikingly as the law of consecration. The Lord started revealing the law of consecration to the early Saints in 1831. The purpose of this law was to take care of the poor and to teach individuals how to be “… a faithful, a just, and a wise steward…” ( D&C 51:19 ). “Under this law, members of the [early] Church were asked to consecrate, or deed, all their property to the bishop of the Church. He then granted an inheritance, or stewardship, back to the members. Families administered their stewardships as well as they could. If at the year’s end they had a surplus, this was given to the bishop to use in caring for those in need…The law of consecration consists of principles and practices that strengthen members spiritually and bring about relative economic equality, eliminating greed and poverty. Some Saints lived it well, to the blessing of themselves and others, but other members failed to rise above selfish desires, causing the eventual withdrawal of the law from the Church. In 1838 the Lord revealed the law of tithing (see D&C 119 ), which continues today as the financial law of the Church.”1 Though the law was withdrawn in 1838, the covenant was not. We still covenant, today, to consecrate all that we have for the building up of the Kingdom of God. The act of consecration makes something sacred by giving it to the Lord.2 This lesson is rich with material and the details of the early Saints attempting to live the law of consecration is full of drama and intrigue, ripe for a Netflix miniseries. And yet, what’s had the strongest impact on me and has great relevance to LDS women today are these two verses: “And you are to be equal, or in other words, you are to have equal claims on the properties, for the benefit of managing the concerns of your stewardships, every man [woman] according to his [her] wants and his [her] needs, inasmuch as his [her] wants are just— And all this for the benefit of the church of the living God, that every man [and woman] may improve upon his [her] talent, that every man [woman] may gain other talents, yea, even an hundred fold, to be cast into the Lord’s storehouse, to become the common property of the whole church— ” ( D&C 82:17-18 ) The law of consecration is a higher law. I interpret these verses to mean that a higher way of living is knowing what your needs and wants are and having them met in healthy interdependent ways. Furthermore, having needs and wants met nourishes us, so that we may improve upon our talents, which in turn will grow abundantly. We then consecrate that abundance (anything surpassing needs and just wants) by giving to the Lord for the benefit of others. What a glorious way to live! And what a challenging way to live! Assurance that all of God’s children have equal claim to what it is they need and want in order to manage their unique stewardship is an empowering message. Equal doesn’t mean equitable or even fair. We are taught, repeatedly, that the Father sees us, experiences and loves us as individuals. Wouldn’t He then meet our needs, our wants, individually? But in order for those needs and wants to be met, we must first recognize them. This is where I struggle. I have a hard time doing this because I’ve spent most of my life being wantless and needless. Having needs and wants has felt too vulnerable. So, I ignored them, or I neglected them. Asking others for help is still a courageous act for me. I’m working on it. Claiming my wants and my needs is difficult because being wantless and needless is often praised in our put-your-shoulder-to-the-wheel Mormon communities. From the outside it can look like charity or ultra-self-reliance. Charity and self-reliance require sacrifice but are nonetheless spiritually nourishing. Acting from a place of needless and wantless breeds despair, resentment, and undermines self-worth. We are unable to sustainably give to others what we are incapable or unwilling to give ourselves. In order to meet the needs and just wants of others, we have to meet our own. Additionally, it doesn’t help that Church produced video’s like You Never Know How Much Good You Do reinforce (perhaps unintentionally) the message that a righteous woman is a needless and wantless woman. Being needless and wantless doesn’t make me righteous, it makes me boundaryless. Studying Brene Brown’s work on shame, vulnerability and living with boundaries has been life changing for me. She defines boundaries as what’s okay and what’s not okay. Brown says that once she started living with boundaries she became a lot less sweet and a lot more loving. Brown uses B-I-G as a way to create space for her wants and needs, so that she can be more compassionate to others: “What B oundaries have to be in place for me to stay in my I ntegrity and make the most G enerous assumptions about you.”3 I’m learning how to give myself what I need and to have courage to ask others when I need their help. I’m learning to discern between a want and a just want by asking if the want brings joy, nourishment or restorativeness OR if it only serves my natural woman? I want to be less sweet and more loving. I want a better relationship with myself, others and the Godhead. I want… 1 Our Heritage, page 262   Steven C. Harper,  “The Law.” , 20 May 20133 Brene Brown, Boundaries, Empathy and Compassion , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujtWYO0w1OM Related Mormon Women Project Interviews In Perfect Harmony , Liz Shropshire “Being single was not my goal, but a scripture I read soon after I started the foundation really hit me: “I consecrate unto them this land for a little season, until I, the Lord, shall provide for them otherwise… And the hour and the day is not given unto them, wherefore let them act upon this land as for years, and this shall turn unto them for their good” (D&C 51:16-17). I don’t know how long I will be in “this land” or this state of being single but I’m going to use my singleness to do as much as I possibly can. I can do stuff being single that I couldn’t do if I were in a different situation. Although it might not be what I would choose, it’s definitely what has proven to be an incredibly happy wonderful life for me. It’s because I’m single that I can do this. How can I not rejoice in that?” Singing His Praises , Emily Spenser “Managing a household of five people, three of them age six and under, one of them demanding great amounts of time and attention due to his special needs, a medical resident husband—yes, of course this is a very heavy load. Also, because of my children, I do not have much study time at my disposal during the day, which means many late nights. There are nights when I don’t go to bed at all. Finally, my husband and I both have demanding callings at church. So is this a heavier load than the average student? Yes, I suppose I would say so. But I don’t feel myself a martyr because of it, neither do I feel resentful or sorry. I chose my path. What keeps me going are the many affirmations that have come through prayer, priesthood blessings, and feelings of the Spirit, the obvious ways the Lord has magnified me and consecrated my efforts, the support and generosity of others stepping in when they had no idea how much I needed their help, keeping a clear vision of the end result, the ability to juggle these things and still unequivocally put my family first, and, of course, knowing that this phase is temporary!” Other Related Women’s Voices In Covenant with Him , Kathleen H. Hughes “To accomplish this important work, we choose to be covenant women: women who have made sacred promises to the Lord. For those of us who have received our temple blessings, we have promised that we will consecrate our time and talents to the building up of the Lord’s kingdom. Through this covenant we can serve the Church in many roles.”

The Gospel Doctrine lesson 15 ;  Doctrine and Covenants 46 ; Articles of Faith 1:7 ,  1 Corinthians 12–13 ; Moroni 10:8–18 In Lesson 15 of the Church History curriculum, we’re encouraged to use the story of Amanda Barnes Smith as an example of the spiritual gift of revelation. Can you recall the story of Amanda Barnes Smith off the top of your head? What if I said she’s the woman who received instructions on how to heal her son’s leg after the Haun’s Mill Massacre? Ah yes. In fact, according to a poll performed by a women’s historian at the Church History Library, “that woman who heals her son’s leg” is one of the only women in early church history that the general membership can recall, after Emma Smith and Eliza R. Snow. How has this story come to be so well known, so that, despite not being mentioned in the actual Doctrine & Covenants, Amanda Barnes Smith is evoked as a quasi-scriptural figure? In 1877, a playwright and convert to the Church, Edward Tullidge, decided to write a book about some of the women of early Mormonism. “So strange and thrilling is their story,” he wrote in The Women of Mormondom , “that neither history nor fable affords a perfect example; yet it is a reality of our own times. “We can only understand the Mormon sisterhood by introducing them in this cast at the very outset; only comprehend the wonderful story of their lives by viewing them as apostles, who have heard the voices of the invisibles commanding them to build the temples of a new faith…. Let us think of them as apostolic mediums of a new revelation….” With this romantic introduction, Tullidge offers the first collection of Mormon women’s biographical sketches in our history. One of the sketches, autobiographically written by Amanda Barnes Smith  almost 40 years after the events she describes, gives one of the most detailed accounts of the Haun’s Mill Massacre that we have. She describes in detail the voice that spoke to her, directing her to make a poultice to put on her son’s shot out hip. She describes his innocent faith in detailed dialogue, and his miraculous healing after following the revelatory instructions. In the same vein as Mary Fielding Smith, or “that woman who blessed her oxen to get up,” Amanda Barnes Smith’s remarkable faith and connection to deity in a time of horror do indeed prove her to be an “apostolic medium,” speaking through the ages of the power of revelation to guide and comfort in our times of greatest need. Although the Doctrine & Covenants includes the fewest named women of any book in our scriptural cannon, the women of the early church offer ample stories so “strange and thrilling” that they are rightly relied on in our lesson manual. Let us pay Amanda Smith Barnes apostolic reverence this week as we invoke her life and faith. Related Mormon Women Project Interviews Playing From Her Heart , Tina Richerson “The Great Creator can make us into whatever he wants of us. If we move ourselves in slightest right direction he will take it and he’ll magnify it for our good. I feel like I’ve been blessed to be at such peace about this. I have this incredible relationship with the Lord and with the Spirit. I’m just so peaceful. Peaceful! Joyful! I will take the gifts of the Spirit over the gifts of the flesh any day of the week.” Other Related Women’s Voices Blessed by Living Water , Kathleen H. Hughes “Brothers and sisters, turmoil is raging all about us. Economies are in distress; families are struggling; we are living in, as President Hinckley has said, “perilous times” (“The Times in Which We Live,” Ensign, Nov. 2001, 72; Liahona, Jan. 2002, 83). But the living waters still offer peace and joy. When we live righteously, when we have done all we can do, one of the gifts we receive is confidence.” Amanda Barnes Smith’s great-great granddaughter, Helen Lake, reads Smith’s account of the massacre and healing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW79xL7VWBk

The Gospel Doctrine lesson #16 ; Doctrine and Covenants 59 ,  Bible Dictionary, “Sabbath,” pages 764–65. I have always loved the Sabbath day. Ok, that’s a lie. When I was a teenager (and probably a child) I chafed against what I saw as the restrictions of the Sabbath Day. My parents were very strict about Sabbath observance and I was grumpy that I couldn’t go and play wiffle ball (at the Bishop’s house!) or sunbathe (just on the deck!) or even do my procrastinated homework (the glory of God is intelligence!). But as I grew up, and continued to observe the Sabbath (and even try to honor it), I found delight. Delight in an unassailable day that beat back the grind of daily life. I think we could all use a little more of that space. Along the way, I also realized three really important things. 1- The scriptures teach that “The sabbath was made for (wo)man, and not (wo)man for the sabbath.” (Mark 2:27) Reading that was an eye opener. I am not a slave to the Sabbath…it was MADE FOR ME. It was not made to restrict me but rather given to benefit me. One of the root meanings of “holy”is “bringing health or whole.” When our Heavenly Parents have given us the gift of the Sabbath (and it IS a gift)—then They have given us the opportunity to rejuvenate for a day – to rest from our labors and our worries, to nurture the relationships we care about most, to slow down and breathe, to pause and ensure we are remembering our own divinity and feel God’s love. That is truly a gift. 2- People do the Sabbath differently. So if the Sabbath was made for each of us and is a gift…then what do I need the Sabbath to be (for me and my family)? Rather than a list of “thou shalt nots” I would propose we think of the Sabbath in terms of what we and our families need to rejuvenate and come closer to God. And the thing is, keeping the Sabbath day “holy”…as a day to promote wellness and devotion… can be very different for different people. One family I know likes to bake together on Sunday evenings. They find the time coming together creating in the kitchen, enjoying the fruits of their labor, and also using the baked goods to serve their neighbors and others is beneficial to their family. However, frankly, that sounds very close to my own personal hell. Baking? Rejuvenating? HA! I live in India where the work and school week includes Saturday. The only day we have as a family is Sunday. So, we have split Sunday into two sections: Sunday morning is the Sabbath and Sunday afternoon is, well, the Saturday of my growing up years. We do family activities together, we play, we watch movies, we do chores. This is never the way I would have expected to set up life— but it IS what works for my family now. When I visited other countries in the world, the “Sabbath” LDS church service was on a Thursday night for Filipino nannies in Hong Kong and Saturday for Saints in the Middle East. Every person and family (and situation) has different needs. The Sabbath should help you fulfill those, recognizing the Sabbath might look different at different stages of life. And, let’s be clear— this is not just an excuse to do whatever you want. Have the personal integrity to know and act the difference. 3- And if you do it right (and by right, I mean the way that works for you and God)— honoring the Sabbath provides great peace and rejuvenation. Now, I think, the trick is how to do this. Some people feel the Sabbath is simply one extra-busy day with church commitments and family dinner to prepare and wrangling energetic children and getting everyone pressed and dressed and hopefully wearing matching socks for church. Additionally, I think women always wrestle with the Mary and Martha dilemma of feeling the press of temporal things while our souls yearn for the spiritual. (And, for some, caring for the temporal IS a spiritual offering.) But if we can carve out the holiness of the day, to find a way to honor the health and wholeness the day of respite can offer, we will be blessed. Isaiah promises that if we call the Sabbath a delight then “Then shalt thou delight thyself in the Lord; and I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth…” As women, we need to pay special attention to nurturing our souls. Research shows we are much better at taking care of others’ needs before our own. However, depletion serves no one. So let’s take advantage of the gift and use the Sabbath as an excellent dose of self-care. Related Mormon Women Project Interviews Learning From All God’s Peoples , Élodie Picard“When it comes to faith, what I missed, and what I hadn’t realized before, was the visiting teachers, the home teachers; the fact that sometimes we could chat, count on each other. During the winter Paul would sometimes leave for several weeks way up in the mountains and he couldn’t come home. In these cases we no longer had the Priesthood, so no more Sacrament either. I really felt how much was lacking from Sundays. That’s why Sunday in this church is for taking the sacrament. It’s the most sacred time, the most solemn and the most important part of the Sabbath day. And when I didn’t have the sacrament, after three weeks or a month, it was really hard. I felt in serious need of replenishment. And I had never felt that before not having it.” Goodness Has A Lunge To It , Catharine Platt McGraw “It was great to be a Mormon in the Muslim culture, not only because of the whole effect of Muslim family values on the society, but particularly because of the women. Seven years in an Arab girls’ school freed me from many of the constraints that American girls face and also exposed me to the strong, educated, devoted, gracious women that that world can cultivate. I am the oldest of four and, for some of the time, we were the only members of the Church in the area, or there were just a few other people. All the time I was growing up, we had church in our home, which was not large, and we crammed more and more people in there. We celebrated the Sabbath on Friday because that is the day people have off in the Arab world (as something like a day of worship). Us kids would get up on Sabbath mornings and rearrange all the furniture in the house into rows of seats. The bathroom didn’t have a class in it, but every single other nook and cranny—including outside with the animal incubators—had a church class going in it. I presume to this day that an office or classroom will have skulls and incubators in it!” Other Related Women’s Voices Anchors of Testimony , Mary N. Cook “Another young woman decided that one of the stakes in her life was to observe the Sabbath, regardless of her circumstances. One year after she was baptized a member of the Church with her family, her ward was divided. Her family was assigned to the newly formed ward, and she was the only young woman in the new ward. Her parents resisted the change and stopped attending church, but she wanted to follow the guidelines in For the Strength of Youth on ‘Sabbath Day Observance.’ She decided to go to church in the new ward whenever she could, even though it meant attending all of her meetings alone. On Sundays she read her scriptures and worked on Personal Progress. Her decision to be ‘steadfast and immovable’ in observing the Sabbath encouraged her mother and younger sister to begin attending church again. Her mother testified that her daughter’s steadfast example of living the gospel and her goodness helped them return to activity. ‘You express your faith through action—by the way you live.’ The lives of these young women expressed their faith. And note that their faith and exemplary lives resulted in good works. Sisters blessed sisters, and a daughter helped her mother return to Church activity.”

Gospel Doctrine Lesson 17 I offered to write the lesson supplement on tithing because I knew it would be a more difficult topic for me. As a kid, teenager, and even through college I loved tithing and paid generously on what little money I had. It felt simple and straightforward—I was contributing directly to building the kingdom of God, and that concept felt empowering and exciting. As I got older and moral schisms between my personal beliefs and the church’s stance on some issues grew, I’m not proud to say that tithing became more difficult for me. For example, it felt difficult to pay when I’d seen several examples of young men/scout programs receiving higher budgets than the young women. I felt conflicted about American style churches being built in places like my mission in Uruguay. I was concerned about the idea of my, albeit still very small, contribution, going to advocate against gay marriage when I in fact support gay marriage. One may look at this list and think, “How petty! How selfish!” and believe me, as lesson 17 points out about the ways we withhold from the Lord, I did not leave these internal discussions unscathed. For several years I was and in many ways still am quite conflicted. In part then, my contribution to this lesson supplement is less about answers we might give in a lesson, but rather, a list of questions we might pose. Questions that seem very real to me as a woman, and questions that I sincerely hope can eventually bring greater peace about the law of tithing for people who are struggling with the concept and practice. I fully acknowledge my own weakness, and perhaps lack of faith in working through tithing, but complete honesty seems the only way through difficulty at this point in my life, and I am sincerely interested in learning to be more Christ-like through tithing, so the issue, both the beautiful and the hard, seems worth pulling apart and examining. I suppose that is precisely what Sunday school is for. I think part of the difficulty for me in these past years is the fact that I am a stay at home mom while my husband has been working through a PhD for the past six years. As a SAHM, I often don’t feel ownership over the money in our bank account, even though my husband has never implied otherwise. I think it is a natural reaction when a paycheck is not the way your work is paid. So often, including in this particular lesson, the focus is on the monetary law of tithing and is often given as the only way one can fulfill the commandment. How can women who are not currently working for a paycheck feel greater efficacy in contributing and participating in the law of tithing? In my own life I’ve prayed about this concept and one thing I felt to do, which has been both empowering and has made me feel more of a partner with God and Their work is being able to contribute one tenth of the work I do. For example, I illustrated a children’s book of temples and from the beginning determined that a tenth of sales would go directly to the Temple Patron Fund. While not the same as tithing, I loved that I felt the work of my hands contributing directly to helping people get to the temple. It connected me to my Mormon foremothers who also did work directly to help establish and build the first temples. When I did another project, a set of cards about brave women around the world, it felt important to me that the product not only get into the hands of people who could afford to purchase them, but into the hands of lower income women and children. I made a rule for myself that one out of every ten sets of cards would be donated. I’ve stuck to that rule and have been surprised at the ways in which my own personal experiment on tithing has strengthened my resolve to be generous and kind and to put money as a less important ruler than giving in my own life. During this time, my husband and I continued to pay a regular tithe on our monetary income as well, but I found greater personal peace in contributing in these more personal ways. My questions then: Is there room in the church for this type of practice, particularly for women who don’t directly earn money? How can the law of tithing be something that puts these women in a partnership with God? Verse 12 in Isaiah 58 says, “And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in.” I love the imagery of this verse, the idea that we, in all our infinite smallness and imperfection are offered a way and a place to help do the work of God. I love that we can be builders, raisers, repairers, and restorers. I do believe in the power of the law of tithing to help us better understand how to be these things and I hope that by working through some of these questions, I can navigate my way with more grace and faith. Related Mormon Women Project Interviews Tina Richardson, Playing from the Heart “Yeah, and I always had my files transferred to whatever ward I was supposed to be in. I would write the bishop a letter and say, ‘Hey look, I’m in your ward. You have my records. Do not contact me. Do not send the Relief Society after me. Do not send the missionaries after me but here’s my tithing.’ And I’d tell the bishop I was gay and in a relationship.” Maria Lucia Batioja, My Life Changed Completely “When we married, my husband began college to study engineering. It was a difficult time for us. I was cleaning houses to pay for rent. Since my husband was an international student, he used his free time to work to pay for school. The Lord always helped us, even though I did not earn much for cleaning houses; there was much to be gained. My husband would always say, “We will not go without if we pay tithing.” And it’s true. At the end of the month, our money was always divided for tithing, and we still had enough money to live. We were never left wanting. We never lacked money. We could always pay all of our bills. This time was a very beautiful time for us together.” Other Related Women’s Voices “Mary Fielding Smith, the widow of Patriarch Hyrum Smith…said to a man at the tithing office, across the street where the Hotel Utah now stands, who chided her for paying tithing: ‘You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Would you deny me a blessing? If I did not pay my tithing, I should expect the Lord to withhold his blessings from me. I pay my tithing, not only because it is a law of God, but because I expect a blessing by doing it. By keeping this and other laws, I expect to prosper, and to be able to provide for my family.’ ” (Spencer W. Kimball, The Law of Tithing )

The Gospel Doctrine lesson #18 ; Doctrine and Covenants 95 ; 109 ; 110 ; Our Heritage, pages 33–36  O hear, O hear, O hear us, O Lord! The Washington DC temple is situated on a wooded hill above the Capital Beltway. For drivers rounding the curve of the highway, the temple rises into sight, out of the trees and with a backdrop of sky. When I was a child, we would always sing out “there’s the temple!” as it came into view, and I would feel pure joy and wonder at its gleaming gold and white marble beauty. Before I ever went inside, the temple was a symbol of heaven, an image of peace that rose above the hectic and the mundane. Now, many years later, the temple doesn’t exist just as a symbol against the sky but as a tangible part of my real and complicated life. With that change, I’ve developed a more complicated and sometimes discouraged mindset toward temple attendance. At times my temple struggles are simply a matter of scheduling. It’s never easy to set aside a block of a few hours for temple worship. Or, my discouragement can arise out of loneliness. I attend without a spouse, without certain friends and family members who have decided that the temple is not the place for them. This can be emotionally challenging when the temple itself offers such vivid reminders of family, kinship, and unity. And finally, sometimes the struggle is one of doubt. The temple isn’t always an easy place to feel noncommital or tentative about one’s faith. It can present itself as a frighteningly high stakes environment, a place where perfection is expected. But when I read D&C 109, the dedicatory prayer of the Kirtland temple, I’m struck with sympathy for the neediness at the heart of Joseph Smith’s words. This prayer is one of pleading, one in which Joseph reminds the Lord of the “great tribulation” of these early Mormons, and that “out of [their] poverty” they built the temple in the hopes that “the Son of Man might have a place to manifest himself to his people” (v. 5). With bold humility, Joseph asks for blessings of all kinds: on behalf of his country and government, for the temporal welfare of friends, family, and followers, for the blessings of eternal spiritual progression and forgiveness of sins. He concludes his prayer with this utter plea:  “O hear, O hear, O hear us, O Lord! And answer these petitions, and accept the dedication of this house unto thee, the work of our hands, which we have built unto thy name” (v. 78). This must be the longest prayer in scripture, a reminder that the temple is the house of prayer. When I read this section, I realize how much a sense of humility and prayerfulness should be present in my own temple worship. Without it, the temple becomes just a great and spacious building, a sterile symbol of perfection that I can never achieve. With it, the temple becomes a vital key to recognizing the Lord’s grace in my life. The temple exists because we have weaknesses, because we want what is beyond our power to achieve on our own, because we desire for the Lord to be manifested in our lives. Women of the Bible visited their temples and tabernacles for these same reasons. In the Old Testament, Hannah came to the tabernacle with tears and discouragement, but with a fervent prayer for a child. She later became the mother of the prophet Samuel. In the New Testament, the prophetess Anna came to the temple in her long years of widowhood and with prayer and fasting looked forward to the Savior’s coming. She became one of the first witnesses of Jesus’s birth. The early Mormons saw their own poverty and offered it to the Lord, and he responded with an outpouring of his Spirit. Likewise, whether I feel a lack of time, fellowship, or faith, I come to the temple with hope as well. Wendy Ulrich’s wonderful book on temple worship, The Temple Experience: Passage to Healing and Holiness , points out the need for prayerful questions: “ If we want to receive, God invites us to wake up and to ask, holding out our hands to be filled” (21). The temple must be a place where our own weakness are laid bare and questions of faith can rise to the surface. When we present our needs to the Lord, we can be filled both spiritually and temporally. My heart still rallies when I round the bend in the road and see the temple rising above the highway. For me it is still a beautiful symbol. But I have also learned that to fully engage in temple worship, I need to do my part to establish the temple as a house of my own prayers. Only then can it fulfill its part to bring me closer to the Lord. Only then can the temple’s symbolic beauty become a real instrument of grace. Related Mormon Women Project Interviews Dressed Like A Queen , Rosie Card “I also feel like temple work is part of the most important work that we can partake of in this earth.” Other Related Women’s Voices Sharing Your Light , Neill F. Marriott “I still fight my weaknesses, but I trust in the divine help of the Atonement. This pure instruction came because I entered the holy temple, seeking relief and answers. I entered the temple burdened, and I left knowing I had an all-powerful and all-loving Savior. I was lighter and joyful because I had received His light and accepted His plan for me.” Here to Serve a Righteous Cause , Carol F. McConkie “The early Church leaders and pioneers of the past pressed forward with heroic courage and determined faithfulness to establish the restored gospel and build temples where ordinances of exaltation could be performed. The pioneers of the present, meaning you and me, also press forward in faith, ‘to labor in [the Lord’s] vineyard for the salvation of the souls of men.’”

The plan of salvation is so basic to our doctrine that sometimes we forget how revolutionary it is. It puts us in the middle act of a three-act play—giving us a whole new perspective on where we came from, where we’re going and who we are. It also unrolls a new understanding of women’s place in that play. This is something that struck me with new force when I recently read Susa Young Gate’s short essay, The Vision Beautiful. First, a little historical perspective on Susa and her essay: Susa Young Gates was born in 1856, the second daughter of Brigham Young’s 22nd wife. She was a prolific writer, a faithful church member, the mother of thirteen children—and a feminist. She served as the press chairman for the National Council of Women, was active in promoting women’s rights and suffrage, and was a representative to women’s congresses where she once presented on “Equal Moral Standards for Men and Women” and had tea with Queen Victoria and Susan B. Anthony. Susa was also a prolific writer. She wrote several books, including a history on women in the Church, and numerous articles. The Vision Beautiful was one of these articles, published in the Church’s official publication, The Improvement Era. In this essay, Susa poses the question, “But if it [the first vision] meant much to men, with all their hold upon the earth and its fullness, what was the effect upon the women of the world?” She then answers her own question. “That wonderful appearance in the Grove at Palmyra, held in its heart like the half-opened calyx of a rose, all the promise of future development of woman… The Vision held the bright promise of equality and freedom for women. The divine Mother, side by side with the divine Father, the equal sharing of equal rights, privileges and responsibilities, in heaven and on earth, all this was foreshadowed..” Susa goes on to say, “Man had held woman by the wrist, had controlled her religiously, financially, and civilly…Can you conceive, then, what the Vision meant to woman? It meant in civil, religious, social and finally, financial matters, the right of choice; it meant woman’s free agency, the liberation of her long-chained will and purpose.” While Susa is writing specifically about the First Vision, I apply her thoughts more widely to everything that followed—all that we learned about ourselves and God because of the First Vision. And a big piece of that is the plan of salvation. I don’t love the plan of salvation because of what it teaches us about gender. Instead, I love the absence of gender separation within it. We all lived together in heaven before we came to earth. And we all have the opportunity and potential to live there again, to be part of the “equal sharing of equal rights, privileges and responsibilities.” We don’t have a more or less important part to play in the plan if we are men or women. Susa’s words struck a chord within me when I read them. I am impressed by her boldness and insights. I wish they struck me because I felt amazed at how backwards things once were—that it highlighted to me how far we’ve come. Instead, her words strike a chord in me because of how relevant they still feel. And in that, I also feel sad. But I need to remember that it’s not just her assessment of inequality that remains relevant. I must remember that the rest of what she said is also still relevant. Her insights on the First Vision and the increased understanding of the plan of salvation and women’s place in it still stand today—even if I don’t always think of it in that way. I hope I can always see the gospel as Susa Young Gates saw it, as “holding the bright promise of equality and freedom for women.” Related Mormon Women Project Interviews What Marfan Means to Maya , Maya Brown-Zimmerman “I would never presume to tell anybody else what their Marfan syndrome means for them. I would not do it for my son. I would not do it for my friends. But for me personally, I believe that I was meant to have Marfan syndrome and to do something with it. And so having the knowledge of the plan of salvation has been important to me. I know that Heavenly Father knows me. He knows what I’m going through and He has a plan for me. Knowing that Marfan syndrome is part of that plan is very comforting to me.” An Instrument of Homecoming , Joanna Brooks “Right now [my daughters are] at a stage where the plan of salvation is dawning on them and they are beginning to think of themselves as having a soul that pre-existed this life and that is here to gain experience and that will continue to gain experience through eternity. That’s a marvelous gift of perspective that I’ve tried to convey to them. I’ve taught them that their spirits lived in heaven before they came to this earth and that they came here to learn and later we will go so that we can be with our ancestors. That sense of perspective that the plan of salvation brings is really important so that they know that they’re not an accident, so that they know that they are spiritual beings here having learning experiences.” Other Related Women’s Voices Sharing Your Light , Neill F. Marriot “Do you know how important you are? Every one of you—right now—is valuable and essential in Heavenly Father’s plan of salvation.” Covenant of Love , Aileen H. Clyde “Of the many blessings that have come to me through my knowledge of Christ’s gospel, I am most grateful for the doctrine that teaches us that our lives here have eternal meaning and are for the glory of God. We are central in his great work. He teaches that as we receive his light, we can reflect that light in the world.”